...is it possible to hate yourself for being successful? Because to be honest, that's the only way to really describe how I feel right now. I'm privileged to say I've never failed, and even the failures I've had were minimal. I could have gone to any school I wanted to, but I was lazy. I've stuck with this job so long (10 years) and I'm happy with it, but I've gone from Sales Manager, to General Manager and am now about to become District Manager of multiple pet stores in the area. I've always tried to maintain a low work load on myself in order to do things that are creatively satisfying. Painting, drawing, plushie making...being able to attend conventions and the sort, but that's not possible any longer. I have to be on call 24/7, but am managing multiple stores, planning events, responding to complaints, doing all that good stuff, but not what feels right.
I can't dedicate myself to what I love. I watch shows, listen to remixes, examine every little bit of animation, concept art and can't help but think that could of been my work. I could have animated. I could have drawn, written, storyboarded to my heart's content, but I went the safe route. What would put a roof over our head, food on our table, but not something I'm happy with. I'm GOOD at it. And I know that I'm helping others care for their families, make sure they have a job, know how to do their job, but my job's not HARD. Anyone with an optimistic attitude and half a brain can do it. I can't start writing any stories I have in my head, because by the time I get comfortable and in a position I can start writing, it's time for me to go to bed to make sure I'm ready for my full time job. Any time I have an idea or on the cusp of a breakthrough, I can't stop and mull it over because I have other shit to do.
I hate it. I hate it. I HATE. IT. And now I'm going to work several times as hard as before for the same income and more time on the clock. I just can't let go and say 'fuck what I want to do', but basically I'm being forced to do so if we want to have a roof over our head, food on our table and so on.